i took a deep breath..
and exhaled slowly…
carefully walked towards him..

he was tying his shoe..
ready for his evening walk..

i sat..
he smiled..

“Lid.. nashwa mungkin kena repeat year”
i broke the news..

silent..
*continue tying his other shoe*

“nashwa tak cukup case.. kalau tak complete schedule tak boleh ambik exam”

he stopped..
looked at me..
expression-less..

Allah knows what he’s been through in his office this morning..
and now he had to hear this heart breaking news..

“ada masa lagi tak?” his only question..

“err.. ada..”

he stood up..
turned..
and walked away..
his words trailed off..

“buat la nashwa.. habiskan.. jangan repeat..!!”

sympathy nor motivation..
i got neither..

the numb pain from laparotomy done a month ago suddenly throbbed..
i felt like crying..

“ok..”

if only he said
“takpa.. buat yang boleh je”
or
“try your best, nashwa.. it’s ok”
i’d have been terribly relieved..
and put all the excuses and blames on that ruptured cyst..
i’d not push and strive..
to be in the list of those eligible..
for the final exam..

that was in 2001..
arwah walid was always there..
‘teaching’ and ‘pushing’ me to fight!

how tough i thought life was!
and how i wish i’m a lot more tougher to face it now..

اللَّهُمَّ لا سَهلَ إِلاَّ مَا جَعَلْتَهُ سَهْلاً
، وَ أَنْتَ تَجْعَلُ الْحُزْنَ إِذَا شِئْتَ سَهْلاً

Ya Allah.. tidak ada kemudahan kecuali sesuatu yang Engkau permudahkan, Engkau menjadikan kedukaan itu mudah sekiranya Engkau kehendaki.

رَبِّيْ اشْرَحْ لِيْ صَدْرِيْ وَيَسِّرْ لِيْ أَمْرِيْ

Ya Allah.. lapangkanlah dadaku dan permudahkanlah urusanku

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